FHTV · TEAM PROFILE
Outback Knives
The Steakhouse
5–7 (0.417) · 95 RF / 108 RA · RD -13
FHTV SCOUTING: power SCORCHING · glove SHAKY · soul HUMMING
Tall lady ghosts. Each one carries a comically large steak knife. Not malicious — just very tall, very incorporeal, and extremely armed. They float over second base. The league ruled this legal in season 2 and has not revisited it. Betting against the Knives is considered spiritually irresponsible in several districts. Winning in silence is the team philosophy. Nobody asked them to explain it. Steak knives appear unattributed in the visiting dugout twice per season, exactly.
“EVERYONE SAW THAT.”
- Betting against the Knives is considered spiritually irresponsible in several districts.
- Nobody knows where the knives come from. The team does not discuss the knives.
- The Knives have the best road record of any team. They are not happy about this.
- Cameras have been banned from second base.
- A significant percentage believe at least one player on the roster does not technically exist.
- Late arrivals sit in the north end until the home team scores. Then they may rejoin.
- The third-base line was moved eleven years ago. Nobody from the league will confirm this. Several fans have photographic evidence.
- A specific child has to wave first. His name is Charles.
- Rival sections yell: “They play like they're doing the league a favor.”
ACTIVE ROSTER
| Name | AB | H | HR | RBI | BA | Vibe | Item |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Beryl the Unsmiling | 141 | 33 | 3 | 22 | .234 | looming | Filet Knife |
| “The Pinch Haunter Honestly” · has begun training a different sport in the off-season. Won't say which. · Claims Saint Static calls pitches. | |||||||
| Florence Drift hot 3 | 162 | 54 | 9 | 40 | .333 | polite menace | Steak Knife |
| “Dial Tone Danny” · refuses to be interviewed indoors · Still banned from two Garden of Evil locations. | |||||||
| Constance of the Veil hot 6 CURSED | 178 | 73 | 21 | 41 | .410 | looming | Filet Knife |
| “Off-Grid” · cannot pitch after hearing static · Has an open tab at the Garden of Evil. The Jeems are patient. | |||||||
| Hilda the Unsmiling hot 6 | 165 | 61 | 6 | 42 | .369 | incorporeal | A Surprisingly Long Butter Knife |
| “Backup Plan of Future Hell” · emotionally unavailable closer · Registered to vote in three different hells. | |||||||
| Mavis the Towering | 175 | 55 | 7 | 38 | .314 | looming | Letter Opener |
| “The Human Error” · stretches for thirty-six minutes exactly · Won a Slurm Basement dance contest under protest. | |||||||
| Phyllis Looms | 153 | 42 | 5 | 25 | .274 | looming | Steak Knife |
| “Overtime Edna Jr.” · arrives exactly nine minutes late to everything · Was interviewed by the Weatherball desk once and the tape is just wind. | |||||||
| Mavis Edgewise | 162 | 40 | 7 | 22 | .246 | drifting | Bread Knife |
| “The Replacement” · plays better while spider-killed · Claims Saint Static calls pitches. | |||||||
| Hilda Edgewise BLESSED | 168 | 68 | 17 | 40 | .404 | polite menace | Steak Knife |
| “Dead Channel Sr.” · refuses to bat during moonlight · Said to have taught Saint Static the changeup. Unverifiable. | |||||||
| Hilda the Reach | 155 | 50 | 12 | 29 | .322 | incorporeal | Carving Fork |
| “Two-Beer Marvin III” · only slides headfirst · Still banned from two Garden of Evil locations. | |||||||
HEAD-TO-HEAD · THIS SEASON
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