Boat Boys 8 — 3 Outback Knives
BROADCAST DETAILS
RIOT “IT'S BOATS VERSUS KNIVES AND I'VE BEEN STANDING SINCE NOON. MY LEGS ARE FINE. STOP ASKING.”
HEX “Don't finish that sentence. It comes true if you finish it.”
RIOT “FEATURED SOUL: BERYL THE UNSMILING. “The Pinch Haunter Honestly”. that walkup changed me. Applause from a game that hasn't happened yet.”
HEX “The chant tonight is “DO NOT LOOK UP”. Third uhoh of my dream had that exact chant. We're on script, everyone.”
RIOT “THE BOATS FANS ARE HERE AND YOU CAN TELL. FIELD REPORT: Fans distrust dry weather as a matter of principle.”
HEX “The score stands 3–1, Boats. The 5th uhoh approaches with intentions. I won't say whose.”
RIOT “The stadium hates the scoreboard.”
RIOT “INCIDENT REPORT: ONE SECTION BEGAN CRYING TOGETHER. PLAY CONTINUED. NOBODY PANIC. KEEP PANICKING QUIETLY.”
HEX “Don't look at me. I just read the signs. The signs are like this.”
HEX “5–1, Boats. I saw this score in the steam off my tea. I'd hoped it was the tea being dramatic.”
RIOT “Half the upper deck has left. The other half is filming it.”
HEX “It ends 8–3, exactly as the dream showed me. Soul of the game: Empty Manila Folder Boris, 5-for-10. The dream also showed next week. No further comment.”
RIOT “I TOLD YOU TO WATCH BERYL THE UNSMILING. I TOLD EVERYONE.”
HEX “The broadcast ends. The game continues somewhere. It always does. Goodnight.”
RIOT “GOODNIGHT. I MEAN IT. GO.”
Boats 0 1 2 0 0 2 1 2 0 R 8
Knives 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 R 3
| Player | AB | H | HR | RBI | BA |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Empty Manila Folder Boris | 10 | 5 | 0 | 3 | .500 |
| Stan (Also Captain) | 6 | 2 | 0 | 2 | .333 |
| Hank (Allegedly Captain) | 4 | 2 | 0 | 1 | .500 |
| Wayne (Disputed Captain) | 3 | 2 | 0 | 1 | .666 |
| Roy (Captain Emeritus) | 4 | 1 | 0 | 1 | .250 |
| Chuck (Co-Captain) | 4 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
| Earl (Captain Emeritus) | 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
| Hank (The Real Captain) | 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
| Steve (Also Captain) | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
| Player | AB | H | HR | RBI | BA |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Constance of the Veil | 6 | 3 | 2 | 1 | .500 |
| Hilda Edgewise | 4 | 3 | 1 | 1 | .750 |
| Mavis Edgewise | 7 | 1 | 0 | 0 | .142 |
| Phyllis Looms | 6 | 1 | 1 | 0 | .166 |
| Hilda the Reach | 4 | 1 | 0 | 0 | .250 |
| Florence Drift | 4 | 1 | 0 | 1 | .250 |
| Beryl the Unsmiling | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | .500 |
| Mavis the Towering | 4 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
| Hilda the Unsmiling | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
--- Boats @ Knives (The Steakhouse) --- ─── top of the 1st ────────────────────────── A scoreless inning. The bloomin' onion smell intensifies for no reason. ─── bot of the 1st ────────────────────────── Three up, three down at The Steakhouse. The Knives go quietly. Somewhere a knife clatters. ─── top of the 2nd ────────────────────────── Hank (Allegedly Captain) singles. The flare goes off, accidentally. ─── bot of the 2nd ────────────────────────── Nothing happens. A complimentary side cools, undisturbed. ─── top of the 3rd ────────────────────────── Stan (Also Captain) (knot-untying) swings, makes contact, and immediately criticizes his own follow-through. Empty Manila Folder Boris hits one to right. The Boat Boys begin a story about a boat. ─── bot of the 3rd ────────────────────────── A scoreless inning. The bloomin' onion smell intensifies for no reason. ─── top of the 4th ────────────────────────── A scoreless inning. The bloomin' onion smell intensifies for no reason. ─── bot of the 4th ────────────────────────── Constance of the Veil powers one over the wall. A complimentary side flies into the stands. Hilda the Reach slices one down the line. Mavis Edgewise sets the knife down briefly to swing. Another Knife retrieves it. ─── top of the 5th ────────────────────────── A scoreless inning. The bloomin' onion smell intensifies for no reason. ─── bot of the 5th ────────────────────────── Beryl the Unsmiling crushes one. The ball is later found pre-sliced. Constance of the Veil (looming) singles. The Steakhouse smells more strongly. ─── top of the 6th ────────────────────────── Roy (Captain Emeritus) hammers one past the diving second baseman. The dads applaud their own dock. Empty Manila Folder Boris works a hit, then yells something about thermostats. ─── bot of the 6th ────────────────────────── Nothing happens. A complimentary side cools, undisturbed. ─── top of the 7th ────────────────────────── Wayne (Disputed Captain) hammers a base hit while several dads adjust their hats. Empty Manila Folder Boris bats. Several Captains stand at the rail and grimace knowingly. ─── bot of the 7th ────────────────────────── A scoreless inning. The bloomin' onion smell intensifies for no reason. ─── top of the 8th ────────────────────────── Stan (Also Captain) (knot-untying) hits one to right. The Boat Boys begin a story about a boat. Empty Manila Folder Boris works a hit. A discussion of knot-tying breaks out at first base. ─── bot of the 8th ────────────────────────── Florence Drift drifts a swing and the ball does not come down for several seconds. Hilda Edgewise settles into a stance taller than the umpire and singles. ─── top of the 9th ────────────────────────── A scoreless inning. The bloomin' onion smell intensifies for no reason. ─── bot of the 9th ────────────────────────── Hilda Edgewise (polite menace) drifts a swing and the ball does not come down for several seconds. Constance of the Veil drifts up to the plate. The bat hovers. Phyllis Looms settles into a stance taller than the umpire and singles. FINAL: Boats 8 — Knives 3