Hank (The Real Captain)

File opened under “Dark Footage.” A legal name exists. It is not used. Around the league, the subject is beloved by the kind of fan who brings a radio to the stadium.

Approaches the plate to: “Public-access infomercial theme.” The following behavior is documented: leaves a seat open in the dugout. Nobody asks.

Appendix, filed without comment: “Once traded a signed jersey for directions. Would not say to where.”