Boat Boys 12 — 5 Outback Knives
BROADCAST DETAILS
VESPER “Welcome back to Hellball. Boats at Knives, The Steakhouse passed inspection this morning. Barely. Nobody ask which part failed.”
AURELIA “The public is heavy on the road team. The public is often wrong. On average. No offense.”
AURELIA “I brought spreadsheets tonight. Plural.”
VESPER “And I brought snacks. Between us we're one functional broadcaster.”
AURELIA “Scouting note on Hilda the Reach — “Two-Beer Marvin III” to the fans. Walkup routine as follows: Highterion Collection theme, slowed dangerously. The books adjust accordingly. I don't ask how.”
AURELIA “The Boats section has settled on “WE BUILT THAT BOAT” for tonight's chant. Volume suggests conviction. Conviction suggests losses at the window.”
AURELIA “Through 4 it's Boats, 4–1. The line has noticed. The crowd — chanting incorrectly — has also noticed. Everyone's noticing. Great work all around.”
VESPER “The away dugout is dangerously relaxed.”
VESPER “Score update, if you can call it that: Boats, 7 to 3. The Knives dugout has gone very quiet. Very, very quiet ♡”
AURELIA “Someone in the cheap seats is openly streaming Weed3 instead.”
AURELIA “That's a final — 12–5. Soul of the game: Wayne (Disputed Captain), 5-for-8. Everything I predicted was wrong in an instructive way. Good night to the ledger.”
VESPER “Noted and beloved.”
VESPER “We're done here. The field isn't — but we are. Goodnight, everyone.”
AURELIA “Filed. Goodnight.”
Boats 1 0 1 2 3 0 2 3 0 R 12
Knives 0 0 1 0 1 1 1 1 0 R 5
| Player | AB | H | HR | RBI | BA |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Wayne (Disputed Captain) | 8 | 5 | 0 | 2 | .625 |
| Empty Manila Folder Boris | 9 | 3 | 1 | 1 | .333 |
| Steve (Also Captain) | 6 | 3 | 0 | 1 | .500 |
| Roy (Captain Emeritus) | 3 | 3 | 0 | 3 | .1000 |
| Earl (Captain Emeritus) | 7 | 2 | 0 | 2 | .285 |
| Hank (Allegedly Captain) | 5 | 2 | 0 | 2 | .400 |
| Stan (Also Captain) | 3 | 1 | 0 | 1 | .333 |
| Chuck (Co-Captain) | 3 | 1 | 0 | 0 | .333 |
| Hank (The Real Captain) | 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
| Player | AB | H | HR | RBI | BA |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Mavis the Towering | 3 | 2 | 0 | 2 | .666 |
| Constance of the Veil | 5 | 1 | 1 | 1 | .200 |
| Mavis Edgewise | 5 | 1 | 0 | 0 | .200 |
| Hilda the Unsmiling | 4 | 1 | 0 | 1 | .250 |
| Beryl the Unsmiling | 4 | 1 | 0 | 1 | .250 |
| Phyllis Looms | 6 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
| Hilda the Reach | 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
| Florence Drift | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
| Hilda Edgewise | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
--- Boats @ Knives (The Steakhouse) --- ─── top of the 1st ────────────────────────── Stan (Also Captain) hits one to right. The Boat Boys begin a story about a boat. Wayne (Disputed Captain) (loud about lawns) drives one. A different Captain says something about marine batteries. ─── bot of the 1st ────────────────────────── A scoreless inning. The bloomin' onion smell intensifies for no reason. ─── top of the 2nd ────────────────────────── Wayne (Disputed Captain) (loud about lawns) swings, makes contact, and immediately criticizes his own follow-through. ─── bot of the 2nd ────────────────────────── Three up, three down at The Steakhouse. The Knives go quietly. Somewhere a knife clatters. ─── top of the 3rd ────────────────────────── Wayne (Disputed Captain) (loud about lawns) works a hit. A discussion of knot-tying breaks out at first base. Chuck (Co-Captain) swings, makes contact, and immediately criticizes his own follow-through. ─── bot of the 3rd ────────────────────────── Mavis the Towering takes a long, ghostly swing and singles. ─── top of the 4th ────────────────────────── Hank (Allegedly Captain) singles. The flare goes off, accidentally. Roy (Captain Emeritus) (grilling-adjacent) singles. Two other Captains compare grills. ─── bot of the 4th ────────────────────────── Mavis Edgewise hovers, then strikes a base hit through the 5-6 hole. ─── top of the 5th ────────────────────────── The crowd is no longer a crowd, exactly. Earl (Captain Emeritus) lines a hit while explaining what a 'starboard' is to nobody in particular. Roy (Captain Emeritus) hits a slow grounder. The Captains nod approvingly at the technique. ─── bot of the 5th ────────────────────────── Mavis the Towering (looming) swings through the bat and still hits the ball. ─── top of the 6th ────────────────────────── Empty Manila Folder Boris (hum-along) HAMMERS a home run. Four Captains immediately offer unsolicited grilling advice. ─── bot of the 6th ────────────────────────── Beryl the Unsmiling drives one past the third baseman. The complimentary side at her seat is now cold. ─── top of the 7th ────────────────────────── Earl (Captain Emeritus) hits a slow grounder. The Captains nod approvingly at the technique. Hank (Allegedly Captain) (dad-coded) pokes a single. A long anecdote about a fishing trip begins on second. ─── bot of the 7th ────────────────────────── Constance of the Veil powers one over the wall. A complimentary side flies into the stands. Knives (home): 1 run, 1 hit, 1 HR ─── top of the 8th ────────────────────────── Several balls go missing and reappear. Wayne (Disputed Captain) hammers a base hit while several dads adjust their hats. Steve (Also Captain) hits a slow grounder. The Captains nod approvingly at the technique. ─── bot of the 8th ────────────────────────── Hilda the Unsmiling slices one down the line. ─── top of the 9th ────────────────────────── Nothing happens. A complimentary side cools, undisturbed. ─── bot of the 9th ────────────────────────── Nothing happens. A complimentary side cools, undisturbed. FINAL: Boats 12 — Knives 5